Flying Solo

Flying Solo

I have been taking different medications for depression and anxiety for just about a year now. I keep trying to find the medicine that will work for me, and some seem to but then lose their vigor. Two weeks ago I was put on Lexapro 10 mg. I was previously on Zoloft 200 mg, but had been feeling very foggy and tired all the time. I also was having some anger spurts which were not very fun!!

However, the Lexapro was TERRIBLE for me. I was irritated at everything, and would snap on Lucas just for looking at me! So I decided to quit taking the Lexapro because even if it began to be helpful, the irritation was not worth it. Now I’m just me in my head, and we’ll see how that goes. I have a psychiatrist appointment in about a month, and we’ll see where I’m at then. But for now, I figured it might be a good idea to try to get back to me and see how I’m doing. I’ve been on different meds for so long now, that I’m not even sure what feelings are mine and which are drug-induced!

It will be nice to see how I am on my own, but at the same time I don’t want to lose all the progress I’ve made when things have been going well. I’m still going to therapy, and actually have an appointment in an hour. So we’ll see how things go.

Other than that, life has been moving at high speed. Still grooming dogs, had a death in the family and the funeral last weekend, am sick now which sucks, and haven’t been on here or writing like I should! But I’m hoping to get back into things. Lucas and I are doing great, as are the animals which is good. I don’t know what I’d do without Lucas, and am so thankful he puts up with my moods and is so understanding to not hate me when I’m mean to him!! :/ Mental illness sucks.

I hope everyone is doing well though, take care!!  ❤

 

How Are You?

How Are You?

Hello my dear WordPress friends!! Man has it been a LOOONG time. How is everyone doing? What’s new in your life? How is 2016 treating you? I’ll give you a little update on me, since what else would I be doing on my blog? (ha!)

Our outside cat Calypso had kittens!! They’re adorable, Little Miss Jr. is a calico like her mom, Dark Tides is black and super calm, Tanner is orange and adventurous though not as much so as Dark Tides, and Whitey is white with silver tips and very whiny! They’re almost three weeks old, and doing really well. We’ll have to find them homes since we don’t have room to keep them all, but we’re definitely enjoying them while we can!

Lunar Tides is doing well; we’re working on a few new songs and have been working on our first EP! We’ve been doing it ourselves so it’s taking awhile and is a lot of work for Lucas, but he’s been doing great at it and hopefully by the end of May it’ll be finished!

Speaking of Lucas, I proposed to him!! And he said yes! We aren’t going to have a conventional wedding, just a promise and ceremony for us, but I’ll get my name legally changed at some point.

I’ve been on 100mg of Zoloft for a few months now, and have been going to therapy for the past month. It’s been helping a ton, and I feel a lot better and more like the me who I know I should be. I also haven’t been drinking still-I kept to my word!

I’ve been working hard on my Echoing Footsteps novel, and am going to mess around with writing an Erotica Fiction series. I’ll keep you posted on those. 😉

Grooming is going fantastically, and soon I hope to move solely into the groom room and maybe even start grooming on my own every other weekend!! Very excited for that. I’ve been doing better with scissoring and have finished a few dogs all by myself.

I think that’s pretty much what I’ve been up to lately in a nutshell. I wanted to let you all know I haven’t forgotten about any of you, and I’m working hard on getting myself to a healthy mental and physical place, and hope to overcome my depression to be able to keep on enjoying being a part of your WordPress family. Please don’t take it personally if I don’t respond to a comment or post of yours in a timely fashion – I promise to try and get to it when I can. 🙂 I hope everyone is having a fantastic weekend!!

Here’s a song I recently stumbled upon and have been thoroughly enjoying. I hope you do as well.


 

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Hello, Everyone!

Hello, Everyone!

It’s been awhile since I’ve written a post, after saying that I was going to try to make more scheduled posts in 2016! Well I still will try, it just might be a little bit later than intended. I haven’t been very active on here, as you may have noticed (sorry!), but I definitely have not forgotten you wonderful people!!

I think a few factors have influenced my ghost-like appearance here on WordPress: I’ve been working a lot and then feeling lazy when I get home, I’ve been busy with Rocky and hanging out with Lucas, plus I just have been feeling kind of anxious when I think about getting on here. Not really sure why, there’s no reason for it and I really love blogging and reading all of your blogs! That’s probably the main reason though, and it really bothers me because I do love being on here, I just don’t quite know how to make myself come back to it!

I’m going to be making an appointment with the doctor to get another checkup on my Celexa and see if that needs changed at all, and then my arm keeps going numb which has been SUPER annoying and I’d like to figure out why, and my right nostril hurts! Haha, maybe too much info there, but I figured I’d fill you in. 😉 So hopefully in a little time I will be back full-force to read through your blogs and continue blogging myself, perhaps with a schedule in mind!

I have read your comments, and I really super appreciate them, thank you! I will be trying to get back to them all in the near future. For now, I hope everyone is having a great week and things are going well! Talk to you soon. 😀

Since it’s Been Awhile, Here’s a Celexa Update

Since it’s Been Awhile, Here’s a Celexa Update

I have now been on Celexa for exactly a month and three weeks. The first month was at 10mg, and these past three weeks has been at 20mg. I am still deciding on whether or not to make another appointment. When the doctor raised me to 20mg, he said if the anxiety didn’t get cleared up and my motivation and energy levels didn’t increase, to come back in two to three weeks. Otherwise, he would see me in three months!

The anxiety has been clearing up a lot more, I think. My energy levels and motivation aren’t really up, but there are a lot of other factors at play there, so I don’t think the Celexa is or isn’t to blame. So it’s helping a lot, and I’m not sure I’d want to up the dosage, or if upping the dosage would even be beneficial! Still deciding on whether or not to make the appointment.

Has Celexa improved my way of life? Uhm, that is a huge, loud, resounding YES. Yes, Celexa has been a life-saver. I mainly went to the doctor because I was beginning to feel so depressed with life and everything in general, and I knew that I was not being myself. Did I really think taking some anti-depressants would fix me? Well, I sure hoped so. But I was pretty skeptical about it too. I’m so glad I went ahead and tried, regardless if the only reason why was because it was my last resort. Life has been amazing since being on it.

Lucas and I were just talking last night, and he was saying it’s amazing what a difference it’s made in me. He said before I would walk around with a cloud over my head. He said we never talked, that I was just locked inside myself and would say I was fine and happy, but there would be no light behind my eyes.

Now, I know I was feeling like this, but didn’t know exactly how to say what I was feeling. However, I didn’t realize it was that bad, and that I wasn’t even talking with him hardly! I knew it was bad, but I’m thinking I was even worse off than I realized. I am so thankful I have someone as amazing and wonderful as Lucas to stand by me through all of this, and be able to also understand with me how far I’ve come to get over my depressive state! There are no words for how lucky and thankful I am for him.

Basically, being on Celexa has been great. It’s helping me get back to being the ‘real‘ me, and that is just wonderful! So there you have it, my Celexa update. 🙂 I hope everyone’s week is off to a great start!!

A Whole Month Down of Better Living

A Whole Month Down of Better Living

On Monday I had a doctor’s appointment for a follow-up on how the Celexa 10mg has been working so far. If you’ve been following my journey on Celexa, you already know it has helped out a bunch thus far!! The anxiety is still very much there though, just sitting in the waiting room at the doctor’s office was nerve wracking!

The doctor decided to bump me up to 20mg. We collectively decided I don’t want to be on something solely for anxiety, as you can become dependent on those medications and that is definitely not something I want for myself! Since I was started on such a low dose, he thinks going to 20mg should help me out. If I don’t see an improvement in two weeks I’ll make another appointment, otherwise I’ll see him again in three months.

We came to the decision of upping the dosage for a few reason. The anxiety was a big factor of course, but it also was because my motivation and energy levels hadn’t really increased very much. They had a little bit, but not as much as he thought they should have. (I’m really hoping that isn’t just because I’m lazy..) hehe.

So here’s to starting on 20mg of Celexa! I’m hoping this will end the anxiety, or at least put a pretty large dent in it. As for everything else, it’s going rather well! I still haven’t had any large bouts with depression the past month, which has been amazing. And Lucas is still weirded out (in a good way!) that I don’t blow up on him and I’m talking all the time. Hah, now he can’t get me to shut up! Sorry, baby! 😉 I hope everyone’s enjoying their week!

Week 3 Down, Are There Changes?

Week 3 Down, Are There Changes?

Week three of taking Celexa (10mg) is now down! What is new from last week? Well there definitely have been some changes in my behavior – all good things! The anxiety seems to be persistent still, unfortunately. I have another week though to go, and the anxiety isn’t as bad as it was so it is going down, just not as fast and much as I’d like. I’m not always the most patient person!

As for the depression, that has been pretty much non-existent! I find I am much calmer, and I really enjoy things. I liked working at the vet clinic before, but now I feel like I really enjoy it which is awesome! I’ve gotten more hours there and my own set of keys, by the way! Things are looking up in that department!

Lucas has said he can definitely notice a difference in my mood. I’m always happy, and he doesn’t feel like some days he’s walking on egg shells because my moods are so up and down. I made sure to ask him if I was still being myself, and not seeming like I’m being ‘drugged’; he assured me I’m still me, just my happy self all the time instead of my depressed/angry/detached self. That is so great!!

Overall I have been super happy with the outcome of taking Celexa thus far. Plus, my body must be accepting it because my blood sugars haven’t been dropping after taking it like they were before. I still need to make an appointment with my Diabetes doctor though. (I know, I should have done that sooner..I’m a procrastinator :/ )

Now I’ll be calling the doctor sometime this week to check in and see if I need to make an appointment about how taking the Celexa is going, or if they just will do a phone consult. We’ll see if I stay on the 10mg or what they decide to do! It’s going well though, thankfully. I’ve been lucky to find the right medication on the first try; as long as it starts helping with the anxiety soon! I hope everyone’s week is off to a great start. 🙂

Day Three on Celexa

Day Three on Celexa

I took the first dose of Celexa (10mg) on Tuesday night, so tonight was the fourth night of taking it but only the third day on it. The side effects can include drowsiness or feeling as if you’re overly caffeinated, so morning or evening is best depending on how it affects you.

The time I wake up varies quite a bit, so I figured taking it later in the evening would work out best for me. I decided on 8PM for a few reasons. I go to sleep usually anywhere from three to six in the morning. When I have to wake up the next morning at six for work however, I go to bed at ten. (Try to anyway) I definitely wanted to take it before ten, otherwise I’d have to take it early on the days I had to go to bed early. Every Saturday we stream on Twitch starting around nine, so I didn’t want to have to remember to take a pill mid-stream. Eight seemed like the obvious time, and so far it’s been working just fine. It has made me a little sleepy I think, but once I’m over that bit of drowsiness I’m fine.

The first night about seven hours after I took it I started feeling like I had drank three pots of coffee and did a line of blow. I told Lucas that exactly. I don’t know that it was actually the Celexa though, it may have just been from drinking coffee, being tired, and getting loopy. Who knows?

Headaches are also a side effect, and I’ve been getting lots of headaches. Before starting Celexa I’d been having lots of headaches though, so I don’t really think that’s why I’m having them. However, they have been a lot worse than they usually are, so that may be attributed to the Celexa.

Lastly, something I think the doctor probably should have mentioned, no, he DEFINITELY should have mentioned, is that it can make your blood sugar low. That’s something SUPER important to tell a Type 1 Diabetic. The first two nights I woke up with a low blood sugar. That should have been a clue that it was the Celexa, but I do wake up with lows sometimes so I didn’t piece it together right away. I finally did though, and changed how much insulin I get from midnight to seven on my own to experiment. (I’m on an insulin pump) I just did that last night, so we’ll see if the changes I made were accurate.

That definitely isn’t a deal breaker for me, and honestly it might help control my blood sugars more! Other than that I haven’t noticed any side effects, and none of the bad ones so that’s really good. I’ll keep you posted on how it’s going! 🙂

Me.

Me.

I haven’t been as up-to-date on posting and responding to all of your posts, and I’m sorry about that. I’ll try to do more tomorrow! For now I’ll post something I just wrote, and I think it’s the truest form of ‘me’ that I’ve ever posted on my blog.:

I’m not entirely sure why I’m writing this. I have had a couple beers, which may contribute. However, I feel as though I’m in sound mind. I’m scared to go to my appointment tomorrow. I have a doctor’s appointment for an overall checkup, plus to address my anxiety and depression. I’m afraid they won’t be able to do anything for me.

The world feels so crushing at times. It feels like I’m in a glass box, and no matter what people do to break the walls, they stand the test of time. I feel like I’m trapped within my own mind and there’s no way out. I want so much to reciprocate the love shown to me, and to feel the love that’s offered at every corner. For whatever reason, I’m sometimes not able to do so. I hurt the people who hold me close, and I really do not mean to do this. I want to be normal so fucking badly, and I have no idea how to get there. Sometimes things become meaningless to me. They still mean what they always have, but it’s as if they hold no taste. I still hold the values close, but the meaning becomes lost in translation. I want to live in this world. I know my time is short, and marked even shorter because of the Diabetes I was dealt. I don’t want to squander away my time here. Somehow that’s exactly what I’m doing.

Not only that, but I’m scared of what every corner holds. My heart beats faster and I lose the breath in my chest. My blood sugar plummets and it’s my own damn doing. I am helpless to stop it. I’ll sit in this very chair and watch a movie, and for whatever reason, my heart races and I feel worried and out of breath. Going to work evokes the same response. The grocery store. Getting dressed. Writing this.

“It’s the state of mind”, so I’ve been told. But this state of mind has lasted centuries. Is it just me? Is it just something so unfix-able I’ll never be allowed to enjoy the smell of fresh flowers in the spring again without worrying about the bee? And that’s truly putting it in its mildest form.

I don’t want to be broken forever. I really, REALLY want to be fixed. I just want some help, and I don’t know how to get it. I know I’m not alone, but I don’t know how to FEEL not alone.

I have to get up in five hours for said doctor’s appointment, so I bid you all goodnight, and I will let you know how it went. I hope everyone’s having a wonderful Monday.

Hello, Audience!

Hello, Audience!

So I’m a little late making this entry. I’ve been busy with work and then today my boyfriend, Lucas, and I went out for the day to another town and had an amazing time together so I haven’t had time to write until just now!

Marketing is a huge importance in any job or place of business. Blogging is not excluded! A major part of marketing is to know who your target audience is. You wouldn’t want to put a bunch of violent things when you’re trying to get children to want your product. Same would go for blogging, you know who you’re wanting to reach. With me, I would love for anyone to read my blogs! If you feel like you can take something away from what I write, that’s absolutely fantastic. That’s a major reason why I’m here. 🙂 If you’re just reading to pass the time or catch a glimpse into my life, that’s perfect too. It doesn’t matter to me what age you are! I think mainly though, my target audience for my blog is just for me. This is a place I can write, interact with others, and show the real me. I’ve never been good with journals, but it just feels right to be writing here on what I feel and think. I’ve also been much better with getting my feelings across in a note on paper than holding a conversation, so to those who know me, this might be the place to try and truly understand me. (If that’s possible!)

I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for quite some time now, although I feel like I’ve been doing a TON better. Just today I had a training with my new manager and DM and was the first to volunteer–so unlike myself! So I am making major strides which is awesome. I will have my bad days, however, and I think this is a place to connect with others, and give a shout out to all the people of the world and to all those who need to hear something positive. I wrote this blog: https://aidyl93.wordpress.com/2015/06/26/what-is-the-purpose-of-life/ , and know I’ve gotten some positive feedback on it–thank you!!– and that is why I wrote it. I fully feel and mean what I put in there, and it makes me so happy to hear that others are able to take something away from my writing. This is a place I can go back to and see that I am doing good, that I’m not the horrible person my brain tries to make me believe I am. Because I know I’m not. This blog is a place for me to go back and re-read my own thoughts, see where I need to change, and reflect on how much I’ve grown. I love to be able to take you all on my journey, but I think for me, I am my main audience. Thank you for being a part of it too. 🙂