I haven’t been as up-to-date on posting and responding to all of your posts, and I’m sorry about that. I’ll try to do more tomorrow! For now I’ll post something I just wrote, and I think it’s the truest form of ‘me’ that I’ve ever posted on my blog.:
I’m not entirely sure why I’m writing this. I have had a couple beers, which may contribute. However, I feel as though I’m in sound mind. I’m scared to go to my appointment tomorrow. I have a doctor’s appointment for an overall checkup, plus to address my anxiety and depression. I’m afraid they won’t be able to do anything for me.
The world feels so crushing at times. It feels like I’m in a glass box, and no matter what people do to break the walls, they stand the test of time. I feel like I’m trapped within my own mind and there’s no way out. I want so much to reciprocate the love shown to me, and to feel the love that’s offered at every corner. For whatever reason, I’m sometimes not able to do so. I hurt the people who hold me close, and I really do not mean to do this. I want to be normal so fucking badly, and I have no idea how to get there. Sometimes things become meaningless to me. They still mean what they always have, but it’s as if they hold no taste. I still hold the values close, but the meaning becomes lost in translation. I want to live in this world. I know my time is short, and marked even shorter because of the Diabetes I was dealt. I don’t want to squander away my time here. Somehow that’s exactly what I’m doing.
Not only that, but I’m scared of what every corner holds. My heart beats faster and I lose the breath in my chest. My blood sugar plummets and it’s my own damn doing. I am helpless to stop it. I’ll sit in this very chair and watch a movie, and for whatever reason, my heart races and I feel worried and out of breath. Going to work evokes the same response. The grocery store. Getting dressed. Writing this.
“It’s the state of mind”, so I’ve been told. But this state of mind has lasted centuries. Is it just me? Is it just something so unfix-able I’ll never be allowed to enjoy the smell of fresh flowers in the spring again without worrying about the bee? And that’s truly putting it in its mildest form.
I don’t want to be broken forever. I really, REALLY want to be fixed. I just want some help, and I don’t know how to get it. I know I’m not alone, but I don’t know how to FEEL not alone.
I have to get up in five hours for said doctor’s appointment, so I bid you all goodnight, and I will let you know how it went. I hope everyone’s having a wonderful Monday.