Me.

I haven’t been as up-to-date on posting and responding to all of your posts, and I’m sorry about that. I’ll try to do more tomorrow! For now I’ll post something I just wrote, and I think it’s the truest form of ‘me’ that I’ve ever posted on my blog.:

I’m not entirely sure why I’m writing this. I have had a couple beers, which may contribute. However, I feel as though I’m in sound mind. I’m scared to go to my appointment tomorrow. I have a doctor’s appointment for an overall checkup, plus to address my anxiety and depression. I’m afraid they won’t be able to do anything for me.

The world feels so crushing at times. It feels like I’m in a glass box, and no matter what people do to break the walls, they stand the test of time. I feel like I’m trapped within my own mind and there’s no way out. I want so much to reciprocate the love shown to me, and to feel the love that’s offered at every corner. For whatever reason, I’m sometimes not able to do so. I hurt the people who hold me close, and I really do not mean to do this. I want to be normal so fucking badly, and I have no idea how to get there. Sometimes things become meaningless to me. They still mean what they always have, but it’s as if they hold no taste. I still hold the values close, but the meaning becomes lost in translation. I want to live in this world. I know my time is short, and marked even shorter because of the Diabetes I was dealt. I don’t want to squander away my time here. Somehow that’s exactly what I’m doing.

Not only that, but I’m scared of what every corner holds. My heart beats faster and I lose the breath in my chest. My blood sugar plummets and it’s my own damn doing. I am helpless to stop it. I’ll sit in this very chair and watch a movie, and for whatever reason, my heart races and I feel worried and out of breath. Going to work evokes the same response. The grocery store. Getting dressed. Writing this.

β€œIt’s the state of mind”, so I’ve been told. But this state of mind has lasted centuries. Is it just me? Is it just something so unfix-able I’ll never be allowed to enjoy the smell of fresh flowers in the spring again without worrying about the bee? And that’s truly putting it in its mildest form.

I don’t want to be broken forever. I really, REALLY want to be fixed. I just want some help, and I don’t know how to get it. I know I’m not alone, but I don’t know how to FEEL not alone.

I have to get up in five hours for said doctor’s appointment, so I bid you all goodnight, and I will let you know how it went. I hope everyone’s having a wonderful Monday.

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24 thoughts on “Me.

  1. Hello, Lydia, I’m up early this morning and the first thing I saw when I opened my emails was you! And you know how happy that makes me. You’re going to the doctors today and that is always stressful. But-you’re going and that is something many people would avoid, so it’s very positive and I’m proud of you for making this choice. I’m not there with you, but my heart is feeling for you and wishing I could just take your hand and go to that appointment with you. Like I do with Charley. I can’t cure his cancer, I know that, but I can help him to deal with it, like you’re trying to deal with so many health issues. It’s overwhelming and you can’t do it alone. Grab on to someone who will help you. I know you have Lucas and his dad and your mom and your fantastic brother. They all love you. That is important right now. Just take a deep breath and deal with one thing at a time. Your diabetes is something you need to keep in check. I do a lot of research on clinical trials and medicines because of Charley and there is so much out there now for treating diabetes. You’re young and I know there will be a cure, so make sure you have a positive attitude and keep in tune with what is happening. Getting that check-up is a step in the right direction. The depression and anxiety are more difficult but there are treatments for those, too. Stay open to them and keep your heart open to people who care about you. And never stop writing. It is a medicine for so many ills. You don’t have to publish -plenty of time for that. (Remember, I wrote for years and only published at 65. I’m confident you’ll be way ahead of my timeline!) And play your guitar. It makes people happy. Talk with you again soon. Love, Clare

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    • πŸ˜€ Thank you so very much, Clare. I really appreciate you taking the time to write to me and giving me such positive feedback! Thank you for being there for me, it really means a lot. You’re absolutely right, I do need to be better about my diabetes, and they are making medical advances all the time. It would be amazing to see a cure! You make a great point; I will continue to write, but it is sometimes stressful to be wanting to accomplish it within a time frame. I do have lots of time to get there, so I will start taking my time! I am lucky to have Lucas, and family, and you!, around and there for me through everything, and I appreciate you all so very, very much. Thank you for being so wonderful, Clare. πŸ™‚ Love, Lydia

      Liked by 1 person

      • You’re welcome, Lydia. I think that not putting a time frame on your writing will really lower the anxiety levels. And don’t feel that you have to immediately get back to people you are blowing with. They’ll be there when you decide to show up. My mindset about the things I like to do (or anything, for that matter) is: I run my writing, my writing doesn’t run me. Or, I run my garden, my garden doesn’t run me. Or, I run my blog, my blog doesn’t run me. It really works when you feel that you are in control of some things that you can control, because sometimes, there are things you just can’t control and then you have to roll with it. Be good to yourself today. You deserve it. Clare

        Liked by 1 person

      • That is an absolutely wonderful way to look at things! I think you’re right that if I don’t put a time frame on it, and start to look at the things I can control that way, that I will feel less anxious. It does make me really anxious sometimes to feel like I need to be doing stuff and then I end up not being able to and it makes it worse. Doing it that way will make it so I can when I have time, can breathe easy, and feel more at peace once I actually get to it! Thank you for your insight, I actually feel better already realizing I can get into that mindset. It’s funny how it seems so apparent and easy to look at it as I’m running it, but until you actually said it that hadn’t crossed my mind. Thank you, Clare. πŸ™‚ I’m sending you all my best, and I hope you have a fabulous day!!

        Liked by 1 person

      • It definitely works for me. If it gets done-Great! If, not-so what! I spend a lot more time enjoying what I’m into a the present time, and a lot less time worrying about what I’m not doing. Things just seem to fall in place most of the time. Maybe we should both start singing that song from Frozen -the part about ” Just let go” (you can learn many life lessons from cartoons, L’ve discovered

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      • That is so true, and I do feel better already not fretting over things the past few days! It’s been nice. πŸ™‚ You are so right; Lucas and I watch cartoons here and there, they’re good and they do have so many messages for us ‘adults’ too! πŸ™‚ P.S. I think we were doing some good harmonies there with the “Let it go’s” πŸ˜‰ hehe

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  2. Lydia, you are not alone with the anxiety – I happen to have it too…. thanks to my diagnosis 9 years ago, there are things I never thought I would ever see myself doing… things like going up in a helicopter for example. If you had asked me to do that prior to May 2006, I’d have told you where to go in rather bad language….. another thing was getting into the water with a dolphin for the first time in July 2012. That was a little nerve-wreaking but once in the water, I was fine

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  3. Depression is foul, and Anxiety can be the absolute pits. Just keep reminding yourself that they’re not you, any more than the ‘Flu is you. They come, they will go, and you’ll get better at dealing with them while they’re around, believe me.

    Liked by 2 people

    • πŸ™‚ Thank you very much, I really appreciate the kind words and words of wisdom! I’m trying to, although it’s tough sometimes to not withdraw and to continue to write and participate in the world. But I’m forcing myself to try even when it’s tough. The appointment did go well; I’ll be making a post about it here in a little bit. *hugs back at you!* πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

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