It is time again for Shafali’s Creativity Carnival!! Please go check out her blog, and feel free to also participate! I’m actually getting this one done early, so you have plenty of time for this week’s cue-art. 🙂
Before I start, I want to let you all know this is a true story about me. Nothing in what I’m going to be sharing is false in any way. It isn’t a happy story, so I just wanted to let you know that going into it.
September 10th of this year is World Suicide Prevention Day, and this post works really well with that, and with the Creativity Carnival ironically! I felt like it would be the perfect time to share it with you. Also, if you or anyone you know is struggling from depression, anxiety, or any other thing that is affecting them negatively, please get help!! And do your best to be there for them and to try to get them to seek help.
Here’s the cue-art, and I hope you enjoy getting an insight into a part of my life.
Plastic handcuffs were always a fun toy to have growing up. My younger brother and I would play with them, in the many scenarios our little imaginations could cook up. I always loved finagling my way out of them with Houdini magic. There have been two times in my life that my wrists found themselves ensnared within the clutches of ‘real’ handcuffs. I’ll save the second time for another day, (embarrassingly my fault; but in hindsight it’s now a humorous story..sometimes.) The other I’ll share with you now; a perspective of the situation which I will be writing about in my book, Five Days Running With No Shoes. That book will be about my life, in the hopes to help anyone going through a similar situation of the MANY situations I’ve found myself in. Let’s get back to the main point though, shall we?
It was a cool autumn evening, seven years ago, and I found myself being betrayed once again by that thing in my skull. I had finished my homework, said goodnight to my family, with extra hugs and “I love you’s”. No one noticed the difference, nor the fact that in my mind it was the last time I would see them.
I had contemplated suicide before, had even made a few attempts that I won’t get into now. This night was going to be the real deal though. I felt like the world would be better off without me. I was a good sister, sure, but not good enough. I was mean sometimes when I wanted to be left alone, when I was in a ‘mood’. Not to mention the long list of growing things I thought would be better without me there. Had I known about depression then, things may have been different. But the self-inflicted injuries and scars were chalked up to “just a phase” and no one paid the attention they should have. Not that I’m blaming anyone, if you’ve never been in a situation like that, how are you supposed to know?
My plan of action was to take an entire bottle of Ibuprofen, with a side of Bleach, of course! What else would you have with Ibuprofen? After that cocktail, I was going to go down to the train tracks just a few blocks from my house, and wait for a train to come by so I could either lie down on the track, or jump in front at the right time. I figured I still had time to decide before I got there.
I also called my boyfriend at the time, so he could watch the plan unfold. It was a horrible, terrible, volatile, disgusting relationship, one I would not wish on anyone. I won’t get into that here either, but lots of verbal, emotional, and physical abuse; not something someone so young should have to go through. This is one event where it was a good thing he was there, however, because as much as he didn’t give a shit about anyone, he also did his best to not let me die that night.
I took the Ibuprofen and Bleach, then left my house for the train tracks. I was stopped by his truck, him and one of my friends at the time’s boyfriend were in it and both jumped out to corral me into it. There was a lady out walking her dog yelling to ask what was going on since I was screaming and crying and making a huge scene. I’m sure we scared the hell out of her! They didn’t know what to do with me once I was in the truck, so they drove and parked outside my house.
My friend (the one whose boyfriend was also there) lived a block away and walked toward us. When I saw her coming I politely asked if I could get out to talk to her, and they let me. What else were they supposed to do? As soon as I was out, I started running toward the tracks again. I was a mess at this time, bawling, screaming, definitely in an animal-like flight mode.
By this point, someone had called the police. There was an officer who lived literally two houses down across the street from me. It was amazing how long he took to get over there, but then again I’m sure he was called from sleep so I can’t blame him! I didn’t get far when I jumped out of the truck, both boys were trying to grab me once again, and it took all three of them (the officer was now here at this point) to finally get me down on the ground. Now to the origin of posting this post: handcuffs were for the first time around my wrists! The officer didn’t know what else to do with me, and honestly that was the best thing he could have done. I know I would have tried to leave again, but couldn’t with my arms behind me and no use of my hands.
They woke my mom, and she came out all hysterical, goodness I am so sorry Mom for putting you through that!! I can’t imagine how terrible it was for you. She wanted him to take the cuffs off, but he wouldn’t until I was at the hospital. By his face I know he felt horrible that he had to handcuff me, but again, that is exactly what he should have done and I am so thankful he did.
Long story short, obviously the attempt was thwarted. When I was finally able to come back home, I wrote a long thank-you note to the officer also telling him the steps I was taking to get back to my mentally-healthy self. I personally delivered it to him, and I hope it meant something to him. A few weeks later he moved across town…not sure if that had something to do with me or not. Ha, I’m sure not, it is humorous though. There you have it, the first time I was in handcuffs!
It’s still been a struggle, and I would love to say that was the final attempt, although it was not. I’ve been doing well these past few months; I have had bouts of depression, but I haven’t done anything to harm myself physically, nor have I wanted to. I will be going to the doctor in the near future to see what steps I can take to keep my mind healthy and not always plotting against me!
I hope this post was insightful, and perhaps reaches someone who is going through a similar struggle and this was the push you need to get help, and let your voice be heard that you need someone in your corner. You always have someone there, you have to be here and looking to find them. I hope everyone has a happy, wonderful week. 🙂
© September 2015